Reposted from the Council of Love website. http://counciloflove.com
So…..it’s been one year and nineteen days since I started my journey of spiritual sovereignty to see if it changed anything for the better in my life. A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was working out an hour and a half a day after which I was so exhausted I couldn’t do much else. But they keep saying if you want more energy and to feel better, mind, body and soul, to exercise…so I did. By January 2012 I was feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. I kept saying I was too young to feel this old. I finally went to the doctor. It was a difficult thing to hear…you have Fibromyalgia and probably Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. WTF!
My systemic bias…like so many others is that people with Fibro are either lazy or have some mental problem that’s manifesting in the physical. I felt despondent for days…maybe weeks. After which I began to see this as something more than just a burden to be suffered. I do what I’ve always done and began looking at it from a metaphysical perspective. Why do I have this? Why did I choose it? What does my “new normal” look like? Now when I say “choose” I don’t mean from some deep seated trauma that makes me want to punish myself or other such scenarios. But I do believe every big thing that happens in our life was predesigned by us…our higher self….to learn and experience something that we unfortunately can’t remember once here on earth.
So I stopped going to the gym…I allowed myself to rest when I was tired and worked at accepting the situation I was in. After a few months I began going for walks even if just around the block and eventually I was walking an hour a day. If I was too tired to get off the couch, I didn’t, without any quilt trips which was different from my previous way of being. Although I’m definitely not type A, I suffer from the Protestant work ethic so prevalent in North American society. My walks became a daily moving meditation where I worked at releasing toxic thoughts and accepting what I came to notice were unaccepted parts of myself.
I decided on August 22, 2012, my birthday, I was going to stop the two big unhealthy things we are constantly being told hold us back from spiritual growth….smoking and drinking….a clean vessel brings in more light…right? I wanted to see if there was more to life…if I could make the spiritual leap I’ve always dreamed of attaining. I started the blog to chronicle my experiences on my road to ascension….of becoming a spiritual being in a human body. However after many blogs I stopped writing because it became difficult to not write about how shitty I was feeling and although I did have many miraculous days I had many shitty ones too. I stopped writing for the same reason I stopped writing in the Fibro blog I started….I was uncomfortable writing from a bad day…good day perspective. I didn’t feel I had anything new to say that wasn’t already out there on the net.
So my 2013 birthday arrived and I started drinking and smoking again. Actually I started at the beginning of my birthday week….and I kinda haven’t stopped…lol. So what’s the verdict? Was it the panacea I thought it would be?
No…not exactly. I am not the same person I was since I started this journey. I’m not bothered by what once bothered me. I’m not as dramatic or emotional by any stretch compared to my previous self. I don’t do self loathing or hold a grudge even if I think I should..lol. But is this because I stopped drinking and smoking or because I used my time in self reflection and acceptance? I worked very hard at noticing my thoughts, releasing some and accepting others and as a result I no longer carry and suffer these burdens. But I’m still ill and I still have good days and bad days. Not much has changed in this area, yet.
My new journey is one of trying to affect change in my health through neural retraining. I’m reading the book, “The Brain That Changes Itself” and have bought a program recommended by my doctor called “Dynamic Neural Retraining System”.
I’ll keep you posted!
It was a year ago next month that I finished my book…well kinda finished. At one point I just knew it was complete and yet it wasn’t. I went into the back yard and told my husband I’d finished the book and he excitedly said I must be “so happy” and yet I wasn’t. It wasn’t done and yet it was…if you feel confused imagine how I felt.
On some level I did know that my theory was incomplete and I’ve spent the last year practicing it on myself and have left the book off to the side waiting….waiting for what I didn’t know but I believed that at some point I would know.
It’s been a hard year and at the same time much has changed in subtle but deep ways in me. It’s been hard…almost traumatic at times because my shit has kept coming up and I’ve been unable to escape it and I’ve lamented it. I’ve cursed my “team” on the other side and I’ve cursed God and I’ve cried and felt every other emotion from incredible joy…love…peace to deep frustration in the stuckness of my life. Frustration at the unending repetition of scenarios that I kept consciously trying to avoid and change only to find myself right back at the same place. It was freakishly uncanny and I couldn’t see a way out. I’d tried everything and I mean everything to consciously change my life over the years and if not change it than to accept it.
I had been using the technique I developed and it was working I thought because I was feeling different and relating differently in the world and with others but I still couldn’t change this one aspect. I have been unable to find meaningful work/purpose in my life and money….called abundance these days. It was like my life was a comedy of errors and misdirection constantly leading me to a dead end. I’ve been successful in other areas of my life but this one just won’t budge. The other problem is I’m unable to give in and accept things as they are….I just can’t stop pursuing happiness and a higher purpose to my life….I’m propelled from both inside and by outside circumstances to keep moving forward.
On my walk the other day…where I do my deep thinking and praying…..I had an “I GOT IT!” moment.
Holy shit! I have a deep karmic truth I’ve carried over from a past life of being a failure.
It happened as I was racking my brain trying to see the false truth I held about myself that was keeping me stuck. I caught hold of this thought…
I’m a loser…no I’m not!….
This type of exchange is key….the negative thought and then the rectifying thought. I believe I’m a loser but this isn’t true so I push it aside….this is what is called a false truth. So from that thought I realized I believe I’m a failure.
I have a brief memory of removing myself from life because of some circumstance that caused others to turn against me in a previous life. I’m unclear about the details but I can see the interrelationship between that life and this one. I felt a failure at the end of my last life and it carried over to be released in this life. Its manifestations have been many but I believe I’m getting or may have gotten to the kernel of this one.
In order to release a false truth it must first be accepted completely…..more accurately you must SURRENDER to the belief. So I had to spend some time saying to myself that I AM a loser and I AM a failure….okay…now what? It was difficult to rest in this place because it is a deep fear and I’ve been working feverishly to prove it’s untrue. I admitted it….I surrendered totally and completely to the truth of my belief.
It’s amazing how difficult it was at first and I needed to do it each time the thought surfaced but once I totally surrendered to the truth I could release it and transcend it. I again experienced the meaning behind the phrase “an incredible lightness of being”.
I now feel ready to get back to work and complete my book. The theory is now complete and I feel totally confident and comfortable that it works and feel excited to share it with others. Interestingly the thing I was waiting for was the word surrender. I had been using the word accept and it’s accurate but when the word surrender came forward I knew that was the key.
And I’m not afraid of being a failure or a loser anymore…..actually it doesn’t have any meaning for me ….that might sound strange but it’s true….I don’t feel a negative reaction about it…..I feel…..like…..if it’s true than it’s true…..but I don’t know what it means now that it’s in the light…..it’s like it no longer has a resonance that I can identify with or attach to….it just sits there alone as a thought.
It has been almost eight months since I began my journey in search of spiritual sovereignty and it’s been tough at times….I mean really tough…..but I never gave up. Giving up isn’t really an option to be honest…it seems I’m hardwired to keep at it!
Yesterday I reread some of my past blog posts going back to the first one and I realized how far I’ve come on this journey. Many of the things I spoke of then are no longer a part of my consciousness and things that triggered me then don’t move me in the same way or not at all. It looks like the hard work paid off. Perseverance and holding onto my vision of who I want to be is bearing fruit.
I am happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been in my life. I am now, for the first time ever, able to find acceptance in the way my life is evolving. I have to say the word miracle comes to mind when I look to measure the change and difference. The differences are subtle and go on mostly inside but they are huge. The way I’ve been feeling these last months is worth every tear and every emotional pain I endured to get here.
It’s all very beautiful these days.
Here is a video that is incredibly inspiring.
I particularly like the last sentence in this trailer…..”if people will lead the leaders will follow…it’s not about overthrowing the Pentagon it’s about leaving it behind”.
Part of a new way of thinking. I’m looking forward to watching this movie and wonder how it will be received.
The feeling I’ve been having lately is not new but it’s just more often…like everyday…..and intense. It’s a feeling of love. It’s that love feeling I would get when looking at my children asleep or at odd moments when I hugged them so tight they were just able to wheeze out…”mommy…I can’t breathe”. Of course I’ve had this for grown-ups too…like for each of my two husbands.
But lately it’s been happening often….and at random times….like yesterday at the movie theatre. My husband and I were watching Django Unchained by Quentin Terantino….so you know it was not a movie to invoke feelings of love…..but at some point during the movie I had the overwhelming feeling of love for my husband….it was so intense it hurt. I have it sometimes for what seems like no reason….it just comes up and I have to concentrate on letting it flow through me because otherwise it’s very uncomfortable…it hurts my chest.
It’s interesting because it’s a feeling I don’t quite know what to do with because it’s soooo intense. I’m not sure if it’s a response to my regular practice of breathing through my heart. It’s an interesting practice and I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but it’s a practice of focusing on the heart and expanding the frequencies of love and light. As I take in a breath I also feel myself inhale into my high heart.
There is no way I could live from this place of love with the feeling being so overwhelming and it’s very different from the feeling of bliss I was having last month. This feeling is localized in my chest…..it precedes an intense desire to bond….no it’s more like to blend with someone. Like when I over hugged my kids…it’s like I wanted them inside of me and it’s the same now. I’m reminded of the scene from the movie Cocoon…..when the alien and the Steve Guttenberg character “have sex” but it’s alien sex…more a blending of spirit then intercourse.
When it happens when I’m alone I have the presence of mind to consciously let it move through and out of me and into the world but when I feel it focused on someone in particular I feel stuck because I feel a strong pull to interact with “them” but I should try and remember to let it move outward whether I feel it attached to someone or not.
Well…..this is just another example of the interesting things I’ve been experiencing lately.
Every evening before sleep I read one of twenty-five discourses (vol. 1) written by a guy called Petrus. He is the author of the Butterfly Trilogy and was the first person to introduce me to the concept of celestial day and celestial night and how we are presently in the stages of celestial dawn. It is due to our galactic movement toward celestial dawn which is the truth behind all the talk about the Age of Aquarius/Age of Unity consciousness. The reasoning is we are moving into this “Age” as a result of the increased light energy coming to earth due to our closer proximity to the central galactic sun and universal core or “that which is” or “I am” or God…..as I always say call it what you like it’s all the same for this discussion. I recommend going to his website and looking at the diagram…actually he has a colour poster and it’s a helpful visual. Here’s the link.